Rick’s Guide to Everything

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Five Easy Steps to Bring Sexy Back

Last week we had a discussion about how to bring some much needed freak nasty to a rather chilly bedroom through the hot debauchery of a threesome. I realize however, gentle reader, that a threesome is not for everyone. Some of you out there are just not comfortable with the idea of someone else pegging your man; and that’s ok. So if your mans ass has an RSVP for your dick only, I’ve got some scintillating suggestions for you too.

Step 1
Go to the porn store.

Here is where it all starts fellas, you have to drag your ass to that local mecca of smut; the porn store. Now if a threesome isn’t for you, there’s a chance the porn store isn’t either. What can I say? Sometimes you just have to take one for the team, and if you’re not willing to take it up the ass, then take your ass to the store. You don’t want to dip your dick in to the forbidden well, so ya have to at least try something new. There’s nothing wrong with the porn store, in fact it’s a fun place once you get used to it. The porn store is a magical place, as I like to say it’s the great equalizer of all men. Blue collar and white collar blissfully coexist with no collar under the singular goal of (often self induced) orgasm.

Now that you and your beau have managed to tremble your asses though the front door you’re probably telling your self “oh my jesus there’s no way that’s fitting up my ass!” and you would be right; leave the Horse Master 2000 to the pros Becky, and prance your way past the shocker displays towards the things you can actually use.

A personal favorite of mine that you might enjoy is flavored lube. Nothing beats slurping on a raspberry flavored dicksicle. If flavoring your dick is “so last year” then head to the front of the store and ask the clerk if they have body paint (even better if it’s edible). It’s slippery, lets you give your man a thorough rub down, and less passé then massage oil. I know, you finally managed to make it to the porn store and now you have to talk to the help. Don’t worry, they’re used to timid folks, and probably won’t spank you unless you ask.

By now you’ve probably loosened up some, so it’s time to get a little more adventurous. A nice accompaniment to body paint is a brand new vibrator! Now don’t go nuts here boys, remember how scary the Horse Master was at the front of the store? You don’t want that up you’re ass vibrating like a cell phone in a public school. If you’re an initiate to the artificial dick scene maybe give the vibrating butt plug a try, perhaps even one with a remote! This can lead to a very interesting game of Jeopardy if you buy one for the both of you.

Take your time, explore the place. You and your partner are sure to find something that gets the juices going.

Step 2
Take some tips from the Pros.

Hopefully you picked up some quality adult entertainment DVD’s while you were at the porn store; or as I like to call them sex tutorials. Porn gets a lot of flack for giving people so called “unrealistic expectations” I say phooey. These guys are pros; they’re at the top of their game. It’s not unrealistic, it’s inspiring. No one watches a football game and gets mad because the quarterback throws better then their boy toy. Same thing with porn, watch it and get motivated. There are more ways to fuck then flat on your back, and you’ll never learn if you’re not willing to do the required homework. This is important, so listen up horn ball. NO JACKING OFF! Chances are you can’t hold it in for the duration of an entire porn flick, and once you let your load loose you won’t be paying attention to your teachers.

Now that you’ve watched a few titles and have a few choice techniques you want to explore get your boy toy a little tipsy, leave the lights on and fuck his brains out you stud.

Step 3
Location, location, location.

It’s all about location fellas, take your new porn star skills out of the bedroom and let loose on the world. A word of caution however, you most likely will be breaking the law and could get a ticket, if not outright arrested. But hey, that’s what makes it hot. Don’t do it in a car, that’s for kids, try a secluded park, or even a restroom. Highway rest stops can be fun. If you two are really looking for some fun do it at a foam party, I dare ya.

Step 4
Everyone’s an actor, and the world is your stage.

If done right step three can become step four. Do it in front of people. Grab yourself an audience and let the inner exhibitionist out. Take the world by storm! Truthfully no one cares if your dick isn’t the biggest, or if love handles have taken hold. It’s hot to watch people fuck, and even hotter to be the ones fucking. The more the better, if you draw a crowd of more then five people be proud of your nasty asses.

There are a couple ways to go about this. The easiest way to get people watching your sex show is finding a seedy bar where there are already folks cock guzzling towards the back. Other options include visiting your local bathhouses, checking out gay chat rooms for participants or as a last resort find someone in the personals who just likes to watch.

Step 5
Gain Perspective.

Finally, the most important step of all; self acceptance. Sex is meant to be fun and being partnered for more then a year is no excuse for boring sex! Take your man by the balls if you have to, drag your selves out of your dimly lit bedroom, and fuck like college kids in Amsterdam on spring break.

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